The World Ain’t All Sunshine and Rainbows

This is quite a hard post for me to write. But I figured that if I did, I could overcome what has been an awful past few days- and just maybe put things into perspective.

The reason why I hadn’t blogged for quite some time was that I was hitting the books hard with a membership exam coming up. Books, study, practice and the like… Unfortunately it hadn’t paid off this time, and I failed.

Utterly gutted by a few marks off I was devastated and still am. The results came out on the Monday evening and once I found out, ย I was terrified to go into work the next day. I wondered what people thought of me. Word had got around but everybody was very supportive. Having said that, as soon as someone came up to me to give me a rub in the back, arm around the shoulder or a holding of the hand, I’d wait until they left the room, only to burst into tears. I’d let down everybody’s expectations and in the one few times I tried to believe in myself, my faith was shattered.

Yes this may sound like an overexaggeration of things, but it’s just how I’ve felt and I know it’ll hopefully pass.ย I know I’ve done harder exams during medical school under much different circumstances-I was 18, I was in another country and I was at the risk of being kicked out (there were 90 medical students in the first year, 23 of us graduated). My family needed to remind me of this, and that it really isn’t the end of the world.

My boyfriend mentioned ‘We said that one day we’ll look back at medical school and laugh about it. One day we’ll look back at this exam and also laugh about this’. Are there times when I don’t do anything and my mind wonders back to this failure? Sure. But maybe everybody does that.

The thought of what others think about me runs in my mind still (so says the person who’s blogging about her failure). Helpful quotes have however, tried to keep me going.

Do your best, forget the rest –Tony Horton

Don’t care what the others (trainees) think, just give the world the finger-My trainer

This is a skill I still need to work on, not giving a da** of what the others think.

I don’t know why else I decided to share this really. It was probably just to put it all down in writing, and one day be a distant memory. Plus, I’m kinda used to blogging about the not so great side of life too…remember the burglary?

Every morning this week I’ve woken up with the thought-‘I failed’. Now that I’ll have to get back to it again, when my heart sinks (which I’m sure it will do many a time)…I will try and remember this:

I love Rocky ๐Ÿ™‚

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Piping Hot

So it hadn’t been the greatest start to the week. Not particularly because of what happened, but rather that it opened up to some unfortunate realisations.

It all started on the Monday morning. I woke up and did my usual routine. It was when I walked into the living room, that I stumbled upon a freakin’ leaking ceiling!

We switched off the heater and hot water supply, and called our handyman. The problem was that we didn’t know exactly what time he was coming, so realised that someone would either need to wait until he came (in the morning) or come home in the evening. Having rung up work to let them know of the situation, I was advised to come in and carry on as best I can, and then leave if I have to. I thought that was reasonable, and didn’t expect much more.

I carried on with work as normal, with the exception of awful dread that our roof could collapse at any moment. Having spoken to our handyman, I managed to get an estimate of roughly what time he would come. Though it was an awkward time (half way during my afternoon surgery) it wasn’t anything I could change. I updated work but I could tell they were annoyed. I felt completely helpless.

It was around this point that I started to feel the pressure (more so). It was when I was asked to go home, let the handyman in, and then actually come back to work. I think for a brief few seconds I was confused. But at the same time I didn’t want to make matters worse…so I agreed. 

I thought that maybe it was normal to let a stranger into the house and I was just being paranoid…but then again maybe not! Numerous people were entering my room just, many a time saying:

“So you’re coming back right?”

I just nodded.

My time was coming up and having updated my colleagues, I left work and came home to let the handyman in. It was about half an hour when I returned to work, and my colleagues had seen a couple of my patients.

I had two left to see. This was all I had to do, and then I could come home for good and see what was actually happening at home.

It was almost coming up to closing time when I was finishing off with the last patient. There was a knock on my door, followed by another one soon after. I was told that we had to leave. Once the patient left I was gathering my things, when I was approached by a colleague…

“So why were you running late today?”

I wanted to explode. I was fuming inside. Are you for real?!!!

I didn’t want to shout back but I didn’t want to be a pushover either. I found my voice coming and my tone changing, to one of utter disgust…

Do you not know what happened? I left??

Oh yeah I know but….

But ….? You don’t know what happened. (One needed admitting).

And then they were quiet. 

I realised there was no point in wasting my energy in defence. It would never be understood. I don’t quite know what they were saying towards the end, as I was too angry to care and just wanted call it quits. Once I got home my mind was a bit more at peace.

After the handyman left, I sat on the landing floor leaning against the wall, staring at our boiler. I reflected on everything that happened that day. In the end it was just a leaking pipe which caused some damage to the ceiling. That was it. So why did I let it affect me? 

I was not expecting pity or anything like that. But I realised that in the end, all I hoped for was some level of reasonability. I did everything I was told, yet the icing on the cake was still that awful remark. It’s these situations which show you what people are really like. I think that’s what I was most disappointed with. 

In the end though, I decided to rise above it, move on and pretend it never happened. Tomorrow was another day…

Song Of The Month

I thought long and hard about my song of the month, especially as it was the first one of the year ๐Ÿ™‚

I found myself reflecting from the events of this week, both at home and at work. Coming back into the work environment did expose my vulnerability quite early on. However, having confided in the right people, I was reminded that it was ok.

I have also been following clinical psychologist Jordan Peterson, based at the University of Toronto. Having recently watched some of his YouTube videos, I came across this quotation from him which I wanted to share. I think it’s one which can apply to anybody, if they choose accept it.

“To love someone is to simultaneously accept their vulnerability, as a valid part of their being. Without this, there is no possibility of individual existence.”

Though I am not a Slipknot fan nor a total Stone Sour fan, this song by Corey Taylor has to be my favourite song right now. It’s touching and beautiful- and as always, I hope you enjoy this song as much as I do ๐Ÿ™‚

New Year’s Resolutions

This festive season was a rather variable, yet enjoyable holiday. I managed to view some pretty winter wonderland…


Views from the window…Poor Maui!ย 

My favourite Christmas card from this year ๐Ÿ™‚

So as is the tradition, here is my list of New Years Resolutions. I was quite happy with achieving some of my resolutions from last year! Yet there’s always room for improvement, so here goes:

1. Stay fit-continue the weight training.

2. Sit the 2nd exam

3. Learn a language

4. Pick up a new hobby…I won’t be listing my potentials here, just because it’ll be too overwhelming!

A full moon today- and on that note I wish you all a Happy New Year!

Have A Drink On Me

Almost every weekend we see a little blue car pull up in front of the house. An elderly man comes out, followed by his dog, and they go for a walk into the park. On returning to the car, the man will stroke his dog, give him treats and then drive home again. 

I wondered what the story was behind this man. Who’s at home with him? Does he have any children? What does he do during the rest of the day? How will he spend Christmas this year? 

I actually thought of popping a Christmas card in between the windscreen of his car…

“From your friendly neighbours at number 41”

However I didn’t go through with it. Don’t really know why, maybe I just thought it was too out there. 

As I was getting ready to head out today, I saw the same man through the window. I watched him get into his car when my boyfriend said something which was probably more out there!

‘I dare you to give him a bottle of wine!’

At first I thought..what?! We don’t know anything about him and what would he think?! 

Then I thought…what do I have to lose? Just one of our spare red wine bottles, which we purchased as Christmas presents for others.

As I grabbed one of the bottles and desperately searched for the keys, I heard my boyfriend shouting out (as he was checking through the window too!) that this person had taken off…and I was a little sad.

What happened made me realise that I had some ‘guts’, (or stupidity, who knows), in running over to a stranger and almost about to give him a Christmas present. It was out of the blue (a dare after all!) and I was a bit disappointed on missing my chance. I was however happy that deep down, I learnt that I could perform such an act, when I thought I couldn’t do it before.

                    HAPPY CHRISTMAS!

Business Pleasureย 

As I relax on the couch watching The Simpsons, I reflect on the past few days and more importantly, try to recuperate from the night before. I should probably begin with how the day started…

The morning wasn’t too stressful (compared to the afternoon at least). This was probably because there were no babies for baby clinic, which meant that I could catch up with my paper work. Due to the very chilly weather outside these days, I’ve now stopped opening my window like I used to, just to let some fresh air in. I thought that as my room so happens to be at the end of the corridor, I can keep my door wedged open (usually after the end of a session), while I work. A little sad maybe, but sometimes it’s kinda nice just to hear the voices of colleagues around. It can get a little lonely at times, more so when you’re not feeling so great in yourself.

It just so happened that while I was doing my work, I had the door open as usual when all of a sudden, a baby wondered into my room.

He was a gorgeous little Afro Carribean baby, probably one and half years old as a guesstimate. He walked right into the middle of the room, looked at me, gave me the biggest grin you’d ever seen… and  collapsed to the floor all comfy-like. He had no intention of getting up.

I looked at him completely stunned. I didn’t know what to do! I walked to the door and looked down the corridor, hoping I’d see his mother. It was empty. I then sat back on my chair trying to think…how do I get him back up and out, without making him cry? Not having children put me at a huge disadvantage. All I had under my belt were my baby charms, those I had picked up and started to use in day to day practice. These aren’t foolproof. 

“Where’s your mummy?!”

Was what I asked the baby…hoping to try and sweet talk him. I knew full well that he wouldn’t understand a word I was saying. He just looked at me and kept on smiling. He REALLY didn’t want to leave.

I joined him on the floor, thinking that maybe if I sat next to him, I could try and form a little kinship and win him over. His mother hadn’t come my way yet, so I realised that I’d have to lead him out instead. I held out my hand, in the hopes that he’d hold onto it…

It was a miracle! He thankfully took my hand and picked himself up from the floor. I watched him get up and was feeling really chuffed! We wondered down the corridor together, receiving many looks and laughs from patients and receptionists alike, when we saw the mother at the end of the corridor. Her frightened-looking face immediately turned into one of utter relief. I suppose it was a baby session after all! 

This encounter was definetly something I’d never experienced before. It was later followed by another event that day, and another new experience…the work-do Christmas party. 

I was really apprehensive about this. There have only been a few occasions in my training, where I’ve met with senior work colleagues outside the work place. I’ve been at this surgery for almost four months now, and this was my first time socialising with the team. I was worried that I’d make a fool of myself somehow…and I’ve done that many a time already!

Nonetheless I was grateful for the invite. I decided in the end to put all my nerves aside, let go and go with the flow. Maybe I wasn’t the only one who felt this way? 

I arrived at the hotel an hour later than advertised. This was upon the advice of some of the nurses, although after what looked like a terribly busy afternoon for me, I really didn’t want to rush things. I was dying for a cup of tea and a sit down, so that was my priority when I got home! When I got to the hotel, people from the surgery were still following in after me, so my timing was ok in the end! 

The room we were directed to was huge, filled with many round tables. Two were assigned to our surgery. It was almost like a conference, except there were disco lights and a dance floor at the front! Again, I was updated by the nurses that this was to be expected, but I hadn’t really imagined it so. 

The conversation was good. I was mainly talking to the other new trainees at the surgery, downing my glasses of wine. In the end I had three glasses, and I was feeling the effect of it. I was telling stories of how I’d met Jeremy Corbyn or my motive for eating less and exercising…stuff I’ve never really divulged to the people I work with before! 

I looked around at my other colleagues and wondered what sorts of things they were talking about. They must have known eachother for years, like 20 I think. I mean seriously a long time. To them, I’ll always be just “another trainee”, who will make an appearance in their lifetimes, later to leave and be replaced by another. It is what it is.

By about 10.30-11pm people were already leaving. I suspected it was because they had family commitments, or maybe they were exhausted, I certainly was! All of my work colleagues and seniors, including my mentor went home. In the end it was just me and another trainee, who were the last ones sitting.  I told myself that if I was going to go to the party, I would stay at least beyond midnight. That would be a proper night out for me. 

After all, how often do I get to do this? Rarely if so. When I do go out, I try and make the night memorable as best can be. It’s a night on the town, and nights out make me feel young at heart.

Across The Track Blues

As I head back to Leeds, I wonder why it is that this trip back home was somewhat different to my previous trips back. For one thing it was certainly much longer than I would normally go home for (one week for me is a long time to be off!). I wanted to relax at home again and catch up with family and friends again. 

I definitely got the opportunity to recuperate from the work life and get back to my roots-(namely home cooked good eats!). However I didn’t really get the chance to catch up with many friends or cousins as I would do normally. Be it due to exams or being abroad, all completely understandable…but it made me realise how important they can be to have around, and I kinda felt it! I was missing Leeds terribly and for the first time in a long time, I realised that I may have more friends up in the North! 

Today is the day I headed back to Leeds. As I tidied up my room literally before leaving, I came across a little interesting-looking (and rusty!) item of some sort. It was something my mum actually found but she didn’t really know where it came from…and neither did I! The only thing I can tell you is that it has my writing all over it… 


“Amma” means mum ๐Ÿ™‚ I had to look this quote up and realised that this was one from Mother Theresa! Knowing my mum she’s kept this safe.

Now onto the present moment…I write this piece as I head back to Leeds on the train. As I have done for many of my previous posts, it gives me good head space! Unfortunately today is the day for apparent scheduled strike action, so my standard 2 hour journey has been bumped up to 3 :(. This would be my first time in a while that I’ve needed to stand in a train! 

As I stand against the shut door between the two carriages, I’m closely followed by fellow passengers also unable to get a seat…this was going to be a packed journey which we just had to accept. As the train finally heads off, I try to think how I could possibly make this journey an enjoyable one. Well the number one thing on my list, and probably for most other travelers is the obvious…good music!

Yes I have still been feeling in the epic mood with the music of Thomas Bergersen. 

As I look out of the window and listen to this music, I feel an overwhelming sense of joy and power, from what though I don’t really know! I can only put it down to the music and the beautiful views outside, rushing fast against me…just taking it all in.

Half an hour into the journey and the train starts to get more bumpy. As it now starts to move against trains in the opposite direction, I am consequently almost falling over many a time! I decide that I can’t possibly stand for three hours without the risk of actually landing on the floor…I look around and see how full the train is. Every space is filled with a person. 

Knowing full well that there is no chance that I’ll be moving from this spot, I decide to do the one thing the others haven’t dared do yet… sit on the floor. And low and behold not five minutes later, and I am closely followed by my fellow standers, who decide to sit on the floor with me! 

It’s actually lovely to see now how everyone is looking a little bit more comfortable-some reading, some snoozing and some chatting to others close by, including myself. When you’re surrounded by so many people for a long time it’s almost weird not to talk to them…at least that’s what I think :p No I don’t think any of it is due to my one act of resting my legs, but I don’t like to conform, and it sounds likes I’m not the only one ๐Ÿ™‚


Dark shadows, messy hair-but still in one piece!